Asparagus tips

Now, you know me - I'm not cruel. Well, not really. OK, I am. Sometimes. But never intentionally. However, just this once, I am going to say something that I am aware may be hurtful - yet I strongly believe that this information could be valuable for the greater good and thus its sharing is justified. It's nothing truly awful, just two small tips for any men out there who are trying to impress their ladyfriends. I am sure these pearls will be obvious to most readers but on the offchance that they strike you as novel, here they are:

First - brush your teeth. If there is a nationwide shortage of toothbrushes (and this is the only acceptable excuse), then chew some gum. Do not, I repeat, do not turn up with lunch breath. Just thinking about it makes me want to hurl.

Second - use your cutlery. I'm absolutely not implying that we need the same levels of etiquette expected at Buckingham Palace but eating an asparagus spear by stabbing it in the middle with your fork, lifting it vertically to your mouth and using your lips to bend it into two halves is unacceptable. Especially if the two halves still turn out to be far too long and you have to put down your fork and manually force the dangling section into the dark recesses of your putrid oral cavity.

That's it for now. On their own probably not deal-breakers, but in tandem a hard act to want to revisit.

None of this has anything at all to do with last night, of course. These pieces of advice are totally random, a propos of absolutely nothing, rien, nada and it's entirely coincidental that I went out to dinner at Latium, where they served the pork belly with asparagus. Honest guv'nor.

I have just seen online that the Archbishop of Canterbury says that the introduction of sharia law for British Muslims is inevitable. It's not often that my jaw actually drops, but it just did. Fortunately, along with my jaw, interest rates have also dropped so my mortgage payments will be about 30p cheaper each month. Increased religious segregation in Britain is apparently unavoidable but I can still afford to live here. High five!