In my solitude...

Last night I went to The School of Life for a class called How Necessary Is A Relationship? As an only child whose parents are still madly in love nearly half a century after meeting, my view on relationships has been slightly, well, blinkered. In that, until recently, I've tended to think that a life alone is a failed life. I've never wanted to be single and the looming end of relationships has filled me with fear. But for the vast majority of the time since early August 2008, I've been on my own and I've been happier than I've ever been before. So I've had to admit that, perhaps, being alone isn't so bad. Perhaps, being alone is fantastic.

What was especially fascinating for me yesterday was the prework they set us - we had to write the pros and cons of relationships, and the pros and cons of being single, on two different pieces of paper. When we arrived at the class, we had to sit in groups and discuss our lists, and whether or not we'd have written the same thing three years ago. To be honest, I doubt I would have written the same thing six months ago - and in fact, if you'd asked me yesterday to predict what I would write, I'd have guessed that it would be all pro-relationships and anti-singledom. But instead, I had a lot of positive things to say about being on my own, and a lot of unexpected fear of relationships. I guess it makes sense - after all, the very fact that I'm single now means that my past relationships haven't been successful, for one reason or another, so it's natural that I'm wary of getting hurt again. But I always assumed that I wanted a boyfriend more than I feared the pain of getting hurt. Now, suddenly, it seems that I am enjoying things so much as they are that I have a lot more to lose than I ever did before. If it weren't for our old friend, Ye Biologicalle Clocke, I'd be fine to stay as I am indefinitely.

The class itself was interesting (although obviously nothing was nearly as fascinating as what was going on in my head) but my favourite bit was when we were given three minutes to draw our own Map Of Love. I went for a mountainous landscape (below), featuring several options: Happy Families living on Stability Street where the sun shines and people stifle their yawns, separated from the pain that has been intrinsic to love in my experience (the Land of Loss and Heartbreak) by a place called The Happy Medium Or: Fantasyland? Then there is the Risky River, which borders on Adventure and Excitement in Foreign Places. I'm standing on the shore, looking out to sea and the hills beyond, and wondering what the hell to do. Over-simplistic? Yes. Quite fun though.

Don't get me wrong. I do want love. And I want a family. But I love the freedom I've had, the solitude I've grown to need, and, well, it's all making sense in retrospect, innit.