They don't make 'em like they used to

Just finished watching brilliant BBC Four documentary about Clement Freud. Typed out several choice gems, but this one has to be shared:

"I heard rather a nice story about a man who drank a lot. His wife said, 'If you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to leave you.' And he went out and drank an awful lot, and threw up all over himself and said to his friend, 'If I go home like this, my wife is going to leave me.' His friend said, 'I'll tell you what, go home, and tell her somebody threw up over you, and put a £20 note in your jacket pocket, and show that to her, and tell her that they gave it to you for the dry cleaning bill.' And so he goes home, and he says, 'No, listen, someone threw up over me, and they gave me £20 for the cleaning bill.' And she says, 'Well why have you got two £20 notes in your pocket then?' And he says, 'Oh, the other one is from the man who shat in my pants.'"