Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Woman in pain

For the past 48 hours, I've been living with the sensation that concrete has been poured down my spinal column and my skull has decided to disintegrate, slowly. Meanwhile my womb feels as though it's being dragged downwards by a mean-spirited Shire horse. I had been reliably informed that this shit would get easier as I aged, but that turns out to be cobblers. It's a different kind of pain, sure - less likely to make one faint or vomit, but more exhausting and seemingly longer in duration. Honestly. Who'd be a woman?

Last night, in between pouring carbs down my gullet as though they alone would make the pain subside, I went to a hot third-floor room in Soho to see comedian Simon Amstell rehearse material for a forthcoming tour. He was funny. There is an anecdote brewing about how we (oh-so-gently) chatted to him as he passed us on the stairs afterwards and how no one has ever looked more desperate to get away from us. And a longer exposition agreeing with the old adage that one should never meet one's heroes. But I've met several of mine in the past few years, and I'm old and wise enough not to expect anyone to be anything other than massively flawed and, after a while, quite annoying. Grania, perhaps, was a little more disappointed. But either way, I'm retaining too much water to type comfortably on this keyboard so I'm going to go back to the TV and continue to find lower spinal relief every 30 minutes by stretching into plough pose (see left) (drawing not to scale) (and I am not a monkey) on the floor. It's not a pretty picture but needs must.
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4 comments:

  1. Unknown01:14

    Finally read your blog, and guess what I've met simon too. Also deeply dissappointed, although how can someone that neurotic live up to what you find funny on an edited TV show...? Lets leave him to the telly I love him there. Not so much in person. xxxx

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  2. Jane15:06

    Yup. Although I'm not even sure I like him on the telly that much. Did you see Grandma's House on Monday? Bit painful.

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  3. jojocolvin01:17

    p.s. how on earth do you get into that pose and does it really help - because if it does, i'll doing almost anything to get there - i don't think my old body likes it but if its good for it then it shall have to co-operate - highly unusual though

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  4. Jane09:42

    It really does help me, agatha - the lower back is the bit that drives me mad, really does feel like I need to be professionally stretched. There are a couple of ways to get into plough pose - lie on your back, cross your shins, hold onto your feet or ankles and rock back and forth so that eventually you're rocking right up to sitting posture - once you're comfortable doing this, back and forth, let go of your feet and eventually let them touch the ground behind your head. Then walk them behind you as far as they'll go.

    The other option is to lie on your back and lift your legs up into the air, supporting yourself with your hands in the small of your back, as if you were going to do the old eighties bicycling in the air thing. Keep your legs straight, though, and gradually lower them down behind your head - one by one if it's easier. Finally you can either drop your arms to the mat and clasp your fingers (like the monkey's doing in the picture) or reach your hands behind your head to hold onto your toes.

    It'll take practice. But it does help. Yoga helps everything.

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