Freudian car crash

If, like me, you are in the early stages of a new relationship, try not to have a conversation like the following:

[Scene: Soho pub, PAUL seated at bar, JANE standing next to him. CROWDS around them]

JANE: [Looking down at a business card] So what's the difference between a Copyright symbol and a Registered Trademark symbol?
PAUL: Well, a trademark is registering just the mark itself, the logo - whereas if something has a copyright symbol you are protecting something more complex, a design.
JANE: So my tattoo [points to her tiny tattoo, a copyright symbol] is correct – I shouldn’t be a registered trademark?
PAUL: No, your tattoo is correct. But hey, what are you going to do when you have children?
JANE: What about it?
PAUL: Well, if you’re copyright, then when you have kids they’ll be in breach of copyright. They’ll be an unauthorised derivative of you.
JANE: But they won’t really be a copy of me.
PAUL: Why not?
JANE: Well, because they’ll be half me and half you.

[Room goes silent, lights go out, cue ball suddenly stops on snooker table, thunder rumbles outside followed by a crack of lightning]

Yes dear readers, the horror is genuine, the cringe is justified. After less than three months with Paul, I casually began our Saturday night with the relaxing suggestion that ‘when’ I have children, they’ll be his.

Immediately, my whole body stiffened and, despite the absence of mirrors, I am fairly confident that my face looked like someone had recently left me in the Greek sun for eight hours, returning only to baste me occasionally with Lurpak and paprika. My left index finger inexplicably tensed and hooked over my rigid lower teeth as I turned and walked away, giggling uncontrollably and unable to look Paul in the eye. I mean, seriously. If there’s one thing we’re taught in How To Be A Girl classes, it’s ‘For the sake of all women, never, EVER mention babies. Just don’t do it.’ And yet, there I was, 7.30pm, not even drunk and merrily planning our offspring.

Luckily, Paul seemed to take things quite well and laughingly dragged me back towards him. I did notice, however, that he drained the rest of his pint in a matter of seconds after The Incident and I don’t know that I’ll be so lucky next time.