The nights darken early, the shoppers are spending
On presents and mince pies, their waistlines expanding.
It's Advent again and the streets are a-heaving,
Full of shoppers seduced by PR people thieving.
"Buy this for your boyfriend," advertisements toll,
"and he just might not ditch you for Ms Cheryl Cole."
At last, it's arrived, the one time of year
When we don't have to spend every second in fear
Of intense global warming, it just isn't festive:
Waste goes with Christmas like cheese and digestive.
We swaddle our gifts in thick paper and ribbons
Not giving a thought to the extinction of gibbons.
It's my annual highlight, my favourite season
Be happy and kind or it's basically treason.
Each eve a new party, a new chance to kiss
Under poisonous berries, a sure sign that this
Is most likely not the best plan on the planet;
Mistletoe's deadly - we should probably ban it.
For gluttons like me it's a joyous occasion,
"Can I still get those jeans on?" is my only equation.
We gorge ourselves crazy on hot turkey dinner,
And the number one song by the X Factor winner.
Time spent with family is precious and rare,
I'm annually grateful it's not Albert Square.
Oh it's all just too perfect, I love all the lights
And the snuggling of couples in frost-laden nights.
We buy gifts to say to our loved ones, "I thank you,
I'll always support you, I will never blank you."
Presents and food, magic carols in the air,
What could be the cause of this splendid affair?
And here lies the rub, here I hit a glass ceiling.
I completely love Christmas, it's really appealing,
But I'm attending a party I shouldn't be at
Because I'm not a Christian, I can't wear that hat.
I'm just not a believer of this gobbledygook,
And I'm not friends with Rowan or Pope Ben on Facebook.
That Jesus was born two millennia ago
I'll agree that it happened, historically so.
That he lived and did great works, I reckon that's true,
"Do unto others as you'd like them to do to you"
It's a great rule of thumb, but as for the resurrection
I just can't see it happening, like a Hillary election.
I'm an atheist, see, I believe not in gods,
And I know Occam's razor would push me the odds,
But for most of the year I'm happily profane
Till the bells start a-jingling and the songs play again;
I can't resist joining each year's festive shimmy
But if Jesus is nice then I think he'll forgive me.
I hate all hypocrisy, really I do,
But Christmas is too good to keep just for you.
I could call it 'Winterval' but who would I fool?
It's Christmas I love and it's Christmas that's cool.
I don't buy the whole thing but this much is true
It's a magical time, I'll give you your due.
So for one day a year I jump on the bandwagon,
And a story as likely as Puff: Magic Dragon
Becomes glorious truth, both wondrous and humbling,
And we all celebrate our humanity's fumbling.
We're doing our best, equatorial and polar,
But still, Santa is trademarked by - yes - Coca Cola.
The Christmas machine is a cynical thing,
So let us reclaim it and mean what we sing:
'Tis truly the season for all to be jolly
So help those who need it, lend a stranger your brolly.
Don't let yourself be blinded by consumerist baloney
But Saint Nick, please remember, I'd still like a pony.
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