DO YOU SEE IT? There, on the blue gel wrist rest, clear as day? It is a deafening message from my body to remind me that I am DECOMPOSING, and that every day that passes brings me closer to MY END.
WHY WOULD I FIND MY FIRST EVER GREY HAIR TODAY? It is raining, and other bad things have happened to me recently. I am going to get my hair dyed this evening. If I had only waited until tomorrow to look in the mirror, instead of getting all vain and accidentally examining my overlong roots this afternoon, the offending item would have been disguised with bleach and I would have been able to trundle along, merrily smug that although lots of other people my age have grey hair, I do not knowingly have any. WELL NOW I CAN NO LONGER DO THAT, WORLD. I don't have many causes for smugness. Maybe just one or two exist. And me not having grey hair was one of them. Now I am just down to 'soft skin'. This SUCKS.
It's especially hard to take as I had been walking on air after a rare moment of serendipity last night meant that the glass of red wine I knocked off my table went, in its entirity, into my handbag, staining my hardback book and ruining a diagram showing the different ways people in the UK die that I'd printed out from the Guardian website a few weeks ago, but completely missing my cream carpet. It was an extraordinary moment for which I felt profound gratitude.
But can I be left alone to enjoy that happiness for, say, 24 hours? OH NO. That is too much to ask. Something must happen which will alert me to the proximity of a hooded figure, standing behind me in the work toilets with a MASSIVE SCYTHE.
Livid.
I still remember the horror when, aged 26, I found my first grey hair although it was nothing compared to the horror last week, some 7 years later, when I discovered a white eyelash. An eyelash FFS. I didn't even know they could go white! Oh well, it's not like I ever go anywhere without mascara.
ReplyDeleteYou're lucky that you got all the way to 31 or whatever you are. I started getting some when I was just twenty six. Now I get a few growing in my beard. But it's just a colour. It doesn't change anything.
ReplyDeleteHow soft is your skin? Like puppy fur soft?
It's different for girls, Thom. Grey men are silver foxes. Grey women are old cows. No one said life would be easy...
ReplyDeleteMy skin is as soft as a husky puppy's ear. Allegedly.