Close shave

There was a narrow escape this morning when I was emailing an Outlook distribution list of around twenty senior people, one of which is my boss's ultimate boss, and nearly signed off the message with the unorthodox 'Kind retards'. I told Laura, who said she read in the paper recently that someone had sent an email to their CEO, and instead of Dear Angus, wrote Dear Anus. That really must happen quite a lot though, I reckon. Must be a nominal hazard when you're called Angus. Yet another reason not to rely on the computer's spell check facility.

On a different matter, it is widely known that, should you be both a) waiting for a bus and b) a smoker, lighting a cigarette will ensure that a bus will come around the corner in a matter of seconds. In a dramatic development, I have, this very morning, finished my semi-official survey (sample size: one) and concluded that it is similarly guaranteed that, moments after putting on hand cream, you will suddenly need to relieve yourself and thus, shortly afterwards, will consequently have to suffer the irritation of washing off said freshly-applied cream. The time lapse between the application of the lotion and the urgency of the toilet visit is in direct proportion to the expense and perceived luxuriousness of the handcream.

I'm not claiming that my survey should be backed by public funding, or that it will save lives, but there is little doubt that these findings could prove vital should one ever need to produce urine urgently, e.g. if samples are required at gunpoint by a perverted gunman. I admit, asking the weapon-brandishing man (it would definitely be a man) to hold on while one slathers one's hands in top-price moisturising lotion would obviously be a little unusual, but if it gets the results, who cares?

Piss

Dear Patron,

I am writing to you as someone who has booked for La Traviata. It is with great disappointment that I have to tell you that Anna Netrebko is currently suffering from bronchitis and will not be able to sing the role of Violetta in tonight’s performance. Anna arrived for rehearsals in London with a bronchial condition which has sadly now returned. She hopes to be able to perform again very soon and I know that she is very sorry that she has had to let down this evening’s audience. I am pleased to let you know that the role of Violetta will now be sung by Albanian soprano Ermonela Jaho, in her debut with The Royal Opera.

We flew Ermonela in from New York overnight as a precaution as Anna was feeling a little unwell yesterday, although at that point she had still hoped to sing at the performance tonight. Unfortunately her condition worsened and, regrettably, she was obliged to cancel at noon today. Ermonela made her professional debut as Violetta in Tirana, Albania, aged 17 and has subsequently sung the role at the Bavarian State Opera in Munich, Teatro San Carlo in Naples, Teatro Giuseppe Verdi in Trieste, L’Opéra de Marseille and at L’Opéra de Lille. Our casting department has been following her career with great interest and this will be a very exciting evening.

I am so sorry for any inconvenience that this may have caused and I hope you join us in welcoming Ermonela alongside Jonas Kaufmann, Dmitri Hvorostovsky and Maurizio Benini and the rest of this wonderful cast.

Yours sincerely,
Tony Hall
Chief Executive
Royal Opera House

Grumble grumble grumble. I've been excited about this for months. I called The Royal Opera House to see if I could cancel/exchange my tickets - a long shot if ever there was one - and the guy on the phone laughed and said 'No.' They sell the performance, not the performers, which is fair enough. 'If it makes you feel any better,' he added, 'I had tickets for tonight too - and when I had tickets to see her in Don Giovanni, she was also ill that night, so I'm doubly furious.' That did make me feel a bit better. 'Plus,' he said, 'there were people queuing up at 5.30am this morning for day release tickets, and some of them were from Germany.' So I expect they're a tiny bit more annoyed than I am. But not much.

Playing Sod at his/her own game

I've found a failsafe way to keep the weather hot: buy a gorgeous new winter coat that, by virtue of its beauty, requires immediate use. I purchased it last evening and wearing it provides warmth equivalent to that in Hades' hotel room. Inevitably, to coincide with this, the weather has now stopped playing games and is, as one might expect for early September, in the low-mid 20s and very pleasant. No need whatsoever for a warm garment of any kind.

It reminds me of my youth when I was cool and smoked - our regular tactic would be to light up a cigarette while waiting for a bus as we knew that would guarantee the transport's immediate arrival. Now that I'm old and don't smoke, I instead choose to manipulate Sod by buying clothes. If my calculations are correct and this method really does work, then in order to be thin I need to buy several beautiful and expensive garments in a fat size as this will guarantee that the pounds fall off overnight and the clothes are rendered baggy and unflattering. Right - I'm off to the shops. Amex: consider yourselves warned.