Mind the gimp

Admittedly, I spent several years of my life 'living', on and off, at a boarding school in Wiltshire, and three as a university student in Bristol, but basically, I am a Londoner. I've been here since I was born and I doubt I'll ever leave for too long. I don't speak like a Cockney and I don't eat pie and mash, I've never been inside the Houses of Parliament and I hate the Evening Standard, but like I say, basically, I am a Londoner.

You'd be forgiven for thinking, therefore, that for me, minding the gap between the train and the platform would be pretty much as second nature as breathing or liking Malt Loaf. I certainly wouldn't expect a seasoned public transport user like myself to find the gap a tricky concept. I don't know. Maybe I'd had a bad night's sleep. Maybe the Russian and French artwork from the Royal Academy exhibition had disturbed me. Maybe I am just a bit thick. But this morning, on leaving the train at Bank station, I very nearly missed the platform edge and slipped down the gap into unending humiliation.

Thankfully I noticed the (admittedly larger than normal) trench in time and managed to push myself forward to safety without incident. But the mere thought of how close I had come to such an excruciating encounter was enough to make me break into a cold prickly sweat. With the possible exception of death by Toxic Shock Syndrome (most often caused by leaving in a tampon for too long), I think death by finding the gap has got to be up there in Most Embarrassing Ways To Die. Worse, though, would be not dying - the pain of limb against concrete, the withering looks of derision from other commuters, the ill-concealed giggles of overweight Italian teenage tourists, the panic about whether to risk electrocution and rescue the Clarins foundation that had slipped under the tracks, the nightmare crash diet that would have to be started after it took three burly men to drag me out from my nook... Thankfully this disaster did not occur this morning and it's enough to make me wonder if I haven't just witnessed a modern Easter miracle.