Bit of fluff

Dear clothing manufacturer,

Please, I beg you on bended knee with woeful eyes, hands clasped in prayer, head bowed, drooling with subordinance, please please please stop making apparently lovely soft jumpers with fluff that comes off ALL OVER MY CLOTHES and makes me look like I've been diving into a swimming pool filled with moulting labradors because it drives me ABSOLUTELY MENTAL and the rage it causes me may lead me to do something dangerous or silly in future. I simply don't understand how you can justify the sweatshop creation of garments, such as the purple cropped cardigan I am wearing today, which look good only for as long as it takes me to leave the house and walk to the tube, and which then, as the doors of the Northern Line shut behind me, reveal their true colours as evil fibre-shedding, outfit-wrecking disaster raiments.

It is now almost the end of the working day and I have turned into one big purple woolly item. Despite the fact that at no point do I recall touching any cardiganed part of my upper body to my lower leg, I now have a smooth sheen of fluff all the way down my black trousers. Attractively, it has clumped together anywhere that there is friction, i.e. around my inner thighs. I would need a team of uniformed elves constantly and quickly brandishing adhesive fluff-removing rollers for the next hour in order to leave me untainted by unwanted matter. Admittedly the uniforms would not be strictly necessary but I think it is unarguable that they add to the drama of the scene.

I am sure your plan for ill-conceived items such as my cardigan is that naive shoppers such as myself will buy them from your stores, unable to detect the damage they inflict during our brief foray into the changing rooms. You will be laughing at our stupidity, and revelling in our powerlessness to return the items once we have worn them. And you would be right. I DO feel stupid. But I have consumer power, and I am going to wield my clout-heavy axe with all my might. Are you ready? Here goes. I will continue to shop in your store. But I will tell everyone I know, that should they come across this purple, leopard-print, gold buttoned cardigan from New Look in a charity shop in the future, do not under any circumstances buy it. Because it is a nightmare.

There. I bet you regret your choice of wool now, don't you? Eh? Eh? Who's laughing NOW, big shot?

Yours,

LLFF