Thirty two year old dog; new trick

So it's very quiet in my office - all I can hear is the hum of Sky News next door, which has been reporting the BREAKING NEWS about the election, which is that ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAS BEEN DECIDED. Across the road, a pneumatic drill or similar has just started doing its thing on the Crossrail site works, but other than that, it's been pretty silent here all day. That said, I can hear something else: a soft moaning, interspersed with the occasional sob. At first, I couldn't work out the sound's source. It was so plaintive, so sad, and every time I heard a new moan, I felt a stab of pain for its owner, who was clearly in some discomfort. Eventually, I realised what has been making the noise all morning. My liver.

After a heavy night on Thursday, a relatively quiet one on Friday, and another major assault on Saturday, the last thing I should have done yesterday is headed out, fully hungover, on a date, which of course entailed compulsory Dutch courage from the moment we met at 15:30 hours until we parted company at around 23:30. How people can meet for the first time over coffee I have no idea. Anyway, it was fun, but today I feel like it would take a seven or eight year detox to give my body a chance to recover. To assist it, I ate a bacon sandwich for breakfast and a tuna sandwich for lunch - the latter included a healthy five slices of cucumber and is thus surely bringing me back up to prime fitness levels. Just to gild the lily, I drank a berry smoothie and now rival Usain Bolt for optimum muscular power. My internal organs, however, require some further work.

The guy I met was on his first ever internet date (allegedly), and basically slipped up at every hurdle with impressive panache, telling me that he'd lined up dates with other women (massive faux pas - although obviously everyone is seeing several people, and we all know that they know we are too, the great game is to pretend you are only interested in whoever is seated across the table) and, having examined the Popular List for the first time on my iPhone, asked if I would take a new profile photo of him to improve his chances. I reminded him that this was not ideal flirting etiquette. He agreed, but then a few minutes later said that one of the men on the Popular List looks like a guy he knows from Hull who was taken to court on a rape conviction. I said that, again, this possibly wasn't the best first date chat. Later, I was at the climax of my story about the guy who vomited all over himself on the tube, when our food arrived. So really, it was probably about even in the end. Ultimately, I did like him quite a lot - he is the first guy who's ever made me cry with laughter twice in one evening - but he has plenty of flaws I can focus on if he decides he doesn't like me too. Plus I was so tipsy at the end of the night that, en route to the loo, I saw a dark haired guy in a nice overcoat standing alone by the bar, holding a pack of cards. I asked him if he could do magic. He replied that he could. I told him emphatically that I hate magic. He proceeded to do some amazing amazing card tricks. I got progressively enraged. He gave me his number. I went to the loo. So that's a first: picking up a guy while on a date with someone else. I'd be disgusted with myself if I wasn't so impressed.