More Than Gifts - A New Festive Poem for 2010

It’s not just about presents, the grown-ups all warn,
Christmas is when Baby Jesus was born.
Stop asking for chocolate and gifts and guitars,
Your consumption alone is bankrolling Mars.
He’s the number one man in the Christian religion
He died for our sins – do you not care a smidgen?
Can you not at least try to pretend that you care
About the birth of the man who gave us the Lord’s prayer?
You’re taking the tests for St. Osmund’s next year
They won’t let you in if you’re this cavalier.

It’s not just about presents, I’ve said it before.
Hey – open your eyes, stop pretending to snore.
You lot are so spoilt, I cannot believe
All the stuff you think Santa will bring, Christmas Eve.
When I was your age we were grateful for coal,
A satsuma was plenty to nourish our soul;
But now a small trinket’s a Nintendo DS,
A Dickens book? Whatevs, it sounds like BS.
If Santa gives me what I want right this minute,
I swear I’ll be good, I won’t punch no-one, innit.

It’s not just about presents. I know, I’m too serious
But this consumerist hell always sends me delirious.
Just try to enjoy how the log fire roars –
No, you can’t open more advent calendar doors.
There are sixteen more days of the countdown remaining
So why are there only three doors still containing
The chocolates within? Have you scoffed them already?
I don’t care if that one was shaped like a teddy.
Oh stop stropping, will you, and wipe off those scowls
Or I’ll give you all haircuts just like Simon Cowell’s.

It’s not just about presents, nor Christmas TV –
Even though there’s no doubt that when seen in HD
EastEnders has managed to get yet more gritty –
The spots on the X Factor singers aren’t pretty,
And aren’t there more worthwhile things to be done
Than finding out who on Come Dine With Me won?
Give your mother a hug, write an old friend a letter,
Pray for world peace or pat a red setter.
These carols are gorgeous, and their meaning’s momentous
Why must all hell break loose if we miss The Apprentice?

It’s not just about presents. There’s much so more meaning –
We make up for lost time from the months intervening.
We don’t always show that we love one another
Thus this is the time when we totally smother
Our families and friends with affection and thanks.
It shouldn’t necessitate phonecalls to banks
To negotiate loans that we cannot afford
So we don’t look like Scrooge when they open their hoard.
But who am I kidding? We live a capitalist existence
And to change that machine, well, I’ll need some assistance.

But it’s not just about presents – and we all must remember
That Jesus was born on the 25th of December
And whether he is mankind’s Saviour or not
We still should give thanks for the good stuff we’ve got.
I don’t mean new jumpers or gloves made of pigskin
I mean for the fact that we breathe out and breathe in.
For the fact that we have a roof over our head
For the fact we have friends, for our daily bread.
For the fact you can hear my words – though they’re quite trite
At least your ears work and that’s pretty cool, right?

So give presents, OK – wrap them up good and proper,
And act thrilled when you’re given a new mattress topper
Instead of the watch you’d been loudly admiring
Or the green Mini Cooper you’d dreamed of acquiring.
But set aside some time each day just to sit,
Breathe out, then breathe in, then be thankful for it.
All that said, I’ll admit that it’s one rule for you
And another for me – I want so much it’s untrue.
My list is extensive and I can’t tell a lie:
If I don’t get the lot I will definitely cry.