So I've been doing a lot of thinking about my appearance recently. It has emerged that there are deep down feelings of self-loathing that I never really noticed before, and that despite some evidence to the contrary, I believe in my core that I am physically well below average. We can discuss whether or not that is accurate in more depth at a later point, but what I wanted to address today was the following: I have just realised that I believe that empirically attractive people never receive compliments on their appearance, as it goes without saying that they look good, and thus the only people who receive compliments are those who are usually not quite up to scratch but have managed to pull something out of the bag at the last minute. This means that when someone compliments me, I do not hear, "You look fantastic, Jane," but rather, "You look better than you do normally. It's still not great but well done for trying." Basically, if someone compliments me on my looks, I take it as an insult or a pity vote as, if I was genuinely pretty, they wouldn't bother pointing it out, so obvious would it be. How fucked up is that?
Shit. Maybe it's not fucked up. Is it fucked up? Do you compliment your very pretty friends on their appearance? Or only the ones who look like they need a confidence boost?
I don't think you're being nearly cynical enough. If a female friend compliments you on your looks then it's because they're fishing for a return compliment. If a male friend does it then it's because they think you're cleverer than you are pretty (and vice versa). The important thing is to trust no one. This probably isn't helping, is it? :)
ReplyDeleteI like the phrase 'empirically attractive'. Is that opposed to 'rationally attractive'?
Interesting post. I'm no Brad Pitt (or substitute celebrity of your choosing) myself and there are things which I don't like about the way I look, but I think that's true of most people. But they'll have good bits too - it's more a question of what they focus on. Once a few months ago while walking in London I decided just to focus on the things which I found attractive about each woman I walked past and I quickly found that I fancied almost every woman around. I was pleasantly surprised by how well my self-applied experiment worked. Must remember to do that more often.
ReplyDeleteI don't think trying to work out your position in relation to the average is helpful or even feasible (that's almost like making it a competition) - you have attractive qualities and there are people who notice them and want to tell you. When I compliment people on their appearance, I genuinely think that they look good. I can't remember ever having done it out of pity. My sincerity is important to me.
No one should compare themselves with other people. Sure, copy styles and techniques that you like for you. But not to compete. Beauty really is just one of those that is so so subjective. You could wear your hair one way and 40% of the guys will find it attractive. Wear it another and 30% will find it attractive. You'd end up spending your entire life second guessing yourself and more importantly dressing yourself up for some else. Who wants to live like that?
ReplyDeleteAbout the giving of compliments; I've never given a compliment to someone out of pity or as part of a game. It's because there is something about them that day which I like. I like eating cheese. But I wouldn't like to eat cheese everyday. If I'm not eating cheese one day, it doesn't mean that I don't like cheese that day. Does that make sense? No? And I don't think compliments are 100% about the person receiving them. It really depends on the mood of the person giving it.
Lastly, I compliment FRIENDS (no uglies or pretties) whenever I feel like it. In fact I compliment strangers when I feel like it too; men and women. You should try it, it makes everyones day better. But only if you mean it.
@Anon - brilliant comment, thanks. I'm afraid the phrase 'empirically attractive' is lifted/stolen from When Harry Met Sally, the World's Best Film. It's right at the beginning when they're riding from Chicago to New York. They are talking about men hitting on Sally, and hse says, 'Well maybe he doesn't think I'm attractive,' and Harry says, 'I don't think it's a matter of opinion... empirically you are attractive.' Like you, I'm not even sure it makes sense.
ReplyDelete@Matt - You're right, of course. Everyone has good and bad points. I'm just going through a complicated process right now where I have to address deep-seated (and probably ridiculous) automatic thoughts that I've had for decades. It's interesting and exhausting in equal measure.
@Thom - Agreed - no point trying to second guess what others want. But living a life where other people's opinions aren't important is not the ideal either. No (wo)man is an island. It's finding a healthy balance that's the challenge. I'm certainly struggling.