Legoland: A Brief Retrospective

Having been warned in advance of our visit that Legoland is 'shit', we weren't expecting much. Which, all things considered, was lucky. Like Tom Cruise films, limited edition chocolate bars and Jilly Cooper novels post-Polo, Legoland certainly falls into the category of 'Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed', which, for a family attraction, is possibly not the category for which the land's creators were hoping. Even the name itself is a dramatic overstatement: Legohamlet would probably have been a more accurate moniker. Despite this, Mr Legoland's astonishing bravery as regards ticket prices would not suggest a company worried about disappointing their punters - or perhaps they just aren't expecting any return business. Either way, we went, clutching our print-out discount voucher and anticipating a mediocre Sunday morning near Windsor.

And that, unusually, is precisely what we got. Legoland has good points: a nifty line in branded keyrings in the shop and the faded glories of Miniworld, where cars and buses run without tracks through some sort of magnetic wizardry, where Eurostar streaks between Paris and London, where some crucial integral walls in Sacre Coeur have collapsed to one side, where America is represented only by NASA, where the old Wembley hasn't been replaced by the new one and where ABBA play eternally to a group of Swedish fans and an empty pushchair.

Despite wonderful attention to detail, the park is looking tired and none of the rides justified more than a thirty second queue - even the most 'scary' attraction, the Dragon Coaster, proved to be depressingly tame when Simon managed to take a cup of coffee on board by accident and survive without spilling a drop. He later admitted, however, that he had not escaped entirely and was suffering from minor burns having used his thumb to block the small hole in the cup's plastic drinking lid. The food selection deserves all the negative press it is currently receiving - the only way to eat healthily within the park's confines is to abstain altogether. Even fans of junk-food are in for a shock though - a chicken sandwich meal is over £7. I may have an insatiable appetite and a new salary but that was out of the question.

How things change. It's a week after our Legoland visit and I'm now on a strict pre-holiday crash diet and have eaten only soup, corn thins and fruit today. My stomach has been rumbling non-stop for seventeen hours and suddenly £7 for a chicken burger looks like a generous and irresistable option. I must go to sleep before I phone for an emergency portion of garlic bread with cheese.