After a fairly standard day at my desk, the last ten minutes have been a flurry of email hilarity as a boy and I have been bantering at top speed. The internet dating site where we met has a facility whereby, if someone sends you a message and you are too boring, stupid or cowardly to think of something interesting to say back, you can choose one of their homemade 'one-liners' to send instead.
The one-liners offered by the site are as follows:
I'm interested so far. Tell me more about yourself.
Thanks, but I don't think we're right for each other.
I think our age differences would be too large.
When I said absolutely crucial, I meant it!
I'm focusing on conversations that have already started.
Thanks, but I think I've already met my match here.
I'm very busy right now, but I'll get back to you soon.
For some reason, we decided to make up our own one-liners that we felt might be more truthful and/or useful:
Admit it, those photos are at least 10 years old.
Sorry, you bore the shit out of me.
I'm concentrating on less ugly people.
You are old and you probably smell.
I find the fact that you think you could pull me offensive.
I wouldn't go on a date with you even if I'd been denied human contact for several decades.
Your self-satisfaction oozes from every pixel of your profile and I find you abhorrent.
I'm afraid you are too unfashionable for me. River Island is not an acceptable T-shirt brand.
I'm currently emailing people with more potential, but if they turn out to be no-goes, I might consider you later.
It's sad these aren't actually on offer on the site since, using lessons learned at the Simon Cowell school of honesty, these might actually prevent people continuing on their merry delusional way, unable to work out why no one has replied to their attempts to make contact. Who says online dating isn't fun?
No comments:
Post a Comment