Ill-advised rant

I'll almost certainly regret this but I have to get something off my chest. If I were you, I'd just ignore me.

My definition of friendship has changed a lot throughout my life. I have, I think, become less demanding as a friend since I was a tyke (that says tyke. With a t.) but there are still a few standard elements that I consider fairly essential in any platonic relationship. One would be a basic level of interest in the other person's life. If I do not possess an interest in someone else's life, I do not claim to be their friend and I do not pursue friendship with that person. But if two people are both interested in each other's existence, whatever form that may take, and they are fond of each other, then they may well find that they become friends. And then, once they are friends, there are (surely?) certain expectations that each has on the other. They will make an effort to support and care for that person, while enjoying their company. It is, of course, a give and take contract - this is not unconditional or selfless, and that - to me - is fine. What I can't handle is when one person routinely expects the other to provide the listening ear, or to create the opportunities to meet. Imbalance in friendship happens, of course, from time to time. Should one half of the pair be going through a divorce, or an illness, or a tough time, or a very happy time, they may not have time for the other friend. And that's fine, every now and then. But when it becomes constant, it becomes untenable. For me, at least. And I seem to be suffering from a swathe of it at the moment. About three or four of my friends have, in the past few weeks, snatched a hurried breath at the end of a phone conversation to say 'But anyway, just quickly, how are you?' as if to alleviate their guilt that it's been so one-sided. And that sentence on its own fills me with the kind of rage that makes me want to turn into a big fire-breathing lizard and swallow them. Why not be upfront about it? Surely it's reasonable to say 'Sorry, I've only talked about me. When can we speak again so I can hear about you?' I know I sound like a self-help book but really. Like I said, it's fine every now and then, but recently it's happened to me so frequently that I... well, I've done nothing except harboured a grudge and spent more time with other people who haven't been annoying me so much.

Anyway, like I said, I'll almost certainly regret writing that, and on the off-chance that you know me and you're reading this, don't worry, I wasn't talking about you, it was someone else, you don't even know them. Honest.

Also - maybe this anger is hormonal. I wrote a long email this morning and then Gmail lost it somehow (or maybe it was my work server, I don't really care) and the surge of irritation almost made my vision blur. I don't think there is ANYthing that annoys me more than losing long emails. I am physically unable to start again and retype them. The loss of my life that has been sucked away while I've been typing something to a friend which THEY WILL NEVER SEE creates in me a feeling of utter powerlessness and abject frustration that I find difficult to cope with. God I'm intolerant. But then... sometimes I'm really tolerant. Hmmm. God I'm a mass of contradictions. Or should that be a mess? No, I'm lovely. Or am I? Grumble grumble.

Wow, I was pretty prescient in Sunday's post when I said my perkiness wouldn't last, wasn't I? See, I really am always right.