Psychobabble

When I woke up this morning and checked my emails, I was delighted to receive one that made me laugh aloud. It was from a girlfriend, who, for reasons that may become clear, I will keep nameless. Her message described something that had happened to her moments earlier. She had been lying in bed, daydreaming in the way that one does on a Sunday morning. And, equally normally, her thoughts had turned to boys. Like me, my anonymous friend is currently single, but her back burner is currently occupied by a young man. Apparently this particular gentleman has been loitering around the vicinity of her hob for several years, and is sadly unsuitable for long term consideration; however, he does crop up in the forefront of her mind every now and then, and when no other prospects are on the horizon, she allows herself to think about him as a possibility.

Thus it was that this morning, she was thinking about him. And, all of a sudden, quick as a flash, she realised that, in her imagined scenario, complete with fond hand-holding and loving glances, she had given him a pet nickname and 'filed it' for future use. Having never kissed this boy, having never discussed going out with him, having never dreamed of spending the night with him, all of a sudden, her imagination had shot ahead to a time when his Christian name was an inadequate indication of their intimacy - and she had invented an alternative.

Any males reading may be muttering 'mentalist' or other such derogatory terms under their (inevitably suspect-smelling) breath, and I wish I could label my friend an anomaly, but the truth is, almost every girl I know has moments where her mind runs away with her to a degree that is both blush-inducing and terrifying.

Believe me - we know it is ridiculous. But it happens in a split second: without our permission, our brain jumps forward to a miscellaneous future time and before we know it, we're outlining in absurd detail an event that in all likelihood will never occur. Once upon a time, I was in some dreamy reverie on the tube home after a no-more-than-mediocre first date when I suddenly realised that I was planning my commute from his flat - not after staying the night on a miscellaneous future date, but after I'd moved in with him. I genuinely don't know how it happened, I swear. One minute, I was thinking about what we'd eaten for dinner, the next, I was working out whether it would be quicker to come in to work from his place or mine.

Of course, as soon as we realise what we're doing, we shudder in embarrassment and snap out of it - but the fact is, it's happened, even if only for a few nanoseconds, and it's scary. A male confidant assures me it happens to them too, every so often, but that's scant comfort. With the possible exception of REM sleep, my brain should be under my control - and I don't like it when it's not.

In a similar vein, I was talking to a different girlfriend a few months ago and we began to devise a list of the most terrifying things a girl could possibly do after a positive-seeming first date. We came up with two: 1) Find his best friend on Facebook and send the friend an email with a few choice nuggets from you and your new love-interest's written correspondance and a couple of first date anecdotes. Label the email 'Best Man's Speech ideas'. 2) Using a photo of you and the gentleman in question, blend your features together using Photoshop. Then send him the result, with the message 'This is what our baby would look like! Can't wait to get started... Call me! xx'

When merely gently hinting to a boy that you might not hate him is more than sufficient to send him running for the hills while he simultaneously retches and screams 'HELP!', the idea of actually carrying out one of the above is really quite droll. In the meantime, if you have any contributions to the list - either real or imagined - please feel free to leave them in the Comments section... Right. I'm off to put the bunny on the boil.