Threading festival

This morning on my way to the office, I saw a small fat woman clutching a print-out of a map, being given directions by two other women. If you can't find a London street when you have a London street map, you've got problems, haven't you? I shall add 'Being able to map read' onto my list of Blessings I Clearly Should Have Been Counting But Wasn't Because It Didn't Even Occur To Me.

Aaaaanyway. In the interests of full disclosure, I think I should report that yesterday after work, I was threaded. This, for the uninitiated, is a method of hair removal that originated in China, is now the norm across Asia and is gradually sweeping into The West. It involves making a kind of miniature cat's cradle out of some cotton thread, trapping the hairs therein, and pulling them out. It is popular on very sensitive areas or where more precision is needed, most usually the eyebrows. The woman who I went to see was called Feroza and being in her 'ladies-only salon' (a room with a curtain) sent me right back to being in India. All preference was given to the mobile phone, which she always answered immediately, even if she was mid-treatment. Originally from Bombay (her word), she was typically charming while being aggressively bossy. There was absolutely no discussion about my opinions on brow shape, just a list of things I'd done wrong when I'd plucked in the past and a catalogue of instructions for the future. The whole thing took about eight seconds, wasn't particularly pleasant or agonisingly painful, and I will probably go back - that said, I've also been recommended a lady in Tooting who does threading for £2.50 which is certainly tempting, although there is something about someone who charges approx. 10% of the standard going rate that makes me slightly edgy.

It's now 14:21 and I am counting the hours until the extended Easter break. I'm not too keen on Christianity or any faith, but naturally I do love the public holidays. When I am Ruler, I will of course make the UK a secular nation and remove all religious symbolism from the state, so I'll have to replace the Christian bank holidays with other ones. I think a bank holiday to recover after the clocks go forward will be essential. I'll also give all my subjects a day off every time an British national sports star or team is in the final of any event. I'll make three new annual holidays: National Music Day, National Exercise Day and National Learning Day, where you get the day off work to try something new in each of those fields - unless you do them all the time, in which case you have to help someone else to expand their repertoire. And I'll give anyone a week off if they acquire a new kitten or puppy (up to a maximum of one baby pet per annum). To support the resulting loss of income to business, I will raise extra revenue by taxing anyone who lives in a house that has a Smeg fridge, an Aga bought since the turn of the century and/or household items made by Alessi at 50%. God, it's sounding GREAT. Vote Lost Looking For Fish! It's the only way out of this mess!