Bad investment

Hmm, I thought to myself when I saw this photo (among others) on a newsletter that arrived in my email inbox a short while ago. That is a nice vest. It has straps that are at once thin, yet also thick enough to give some definition to my possibly on the broad side shoulders. It is low cut, but not trampy. And it has buttons, that can be unbuttoned to enhance cleavage on a trampy day or, perhaps, a tanned and toned naval region. Maybe I'll buy one, I thought. I clicked the link to the website and then realised abruptly that I was about as likely to buy this vest as I am to give birth to a set of Royal Doulton china, soup tureen first. The vest, the flimsy, basically just a vest vest, is FIFTY FOUR POUNDS AND NINETY FIVE PENCE. Basically, it is £55. Which is more than half a hundred pounds. Half a hundred POUNDS. Other things I could buy for £55 include (but are not limited to): fifty five vests from Primark (admittedly not with button enhancements); five thousand five hundred Kola Woppas; 6.918 Fiorentinas from Pizza Express (that is nearly seven whole delicious pizzas); forty six Soreen Malt Loaves; or a flight from London Stansted to SPAIN OR TURKEY for £45.99, leaving me with nine pounds to spend in the airport in Accessorize, perhaps on one or two REASONABLY PRICED VESTS.

What could possibly be Chinti and Ripoff's justification for charging this surely record-beating price? Is the vest woven from platinum by winged, singing elves under the light of the August moon? Does it guarantee weight-loss for every wearer? Are they offering a 'Buy one, get 40 free?' plan? A complimentary Johnny Depp with each purchase? No. It is organic. Which is good and everything, but... That appears to be it.

The website says: "Our Button Through Vest [NB capitalisation to lend it an air of sounding like this is special and/or exciting] [NB also that I initially fell for that] is made from 100% organic cotton rib. This garment is longer in length with a relaxed fit and [wait for it] has NUT BUTTONS [author's capitals] which are environmentally friendly. The fabric is the ultimate in soft cotton. Great as a standalone and layering piece." Piece. Standalone. FFS. And nut buttons! I ask you. I will accept that, conceptually, they do sound quite sweet - as though they have been handmade by a team of squirrels - but really. Am I meant to start getting paranoid about the fact that my buttons, my normal, plastic buttons, are ecologically unsound? Because if Chinti and Bellend really think that that is how I should be spending my time, then they can take their nut buttons and shove them.

Fifty four ninety five.