The Mask

On the tube last night, I was standing in the corridor between the two rows of seats, and a bit grumpy not to have a chair of my own, when one of my favourite things happened: a woman began to apply her make-up. This is like my favourite kind of reality TV, happening live, in glorious technicolour, right in front of me. Of course, women putting their make-up on in public is not cool. I don't like it in principle. But sometimes time restrictions mean it has to be done, and as a spectator sport it shits all over rugby. I would rather watch a woman putting on her make-up on the tube than have an obscenely good looking boy to stare at in her place.

So I adopted my 'I'm not staring at you' face, which involves angling my book carefully, and looked more closely. This woman was really pretty, and had excellent skin, but was wearing too much foundation. Her eye make-up was impressively applied, even and natural. Then she got out her Touche-Eclat, drew two pale lines underneath her eyes and started to rub it in. At this point, I looked up for an instant, and noticed a guy further down the corridor. He was staring at Make-up Woman, agog. He was in his late twenties, very sweet, with spiky blond hair. I don't think he could have been more transfixed if he'd been watching a turquoise cat knitting a beret while singing Oklahoma! in a beautiful tenor.

And I realised, once again, just how odd it all must seem to the uninitiated. So for the benefit of my male readers, here is a quick insight into the contents of my make-up regime. Item 1, foundation. Flesh coloured product that attempts to even up the skin tones. Without this, I would look marbled, streaky, creased and possibly diseased. Item 2, Touche-Eclat. Having used this for several years, I am still not convinced this actually does anything, but it is a supposed miracle product that allegedly contains light-reflecting particles that reduce the appearance of dark circles. Since my mental state generally leaves me fairly sleep deprived, I normally have bags that could double as handy pouches for stolen cars, so I assume it's better safe than sorry. Item 3, blusher. This is the one pretty much everyone gets - a flush of red on the cheeks clearly adds to a healthy glow. But it's not all simple: too much and you look like Aunt Sally from Worzel Gummidge, too little and you look anaemic. The danger is palpable. Item 4, eyeliner. Again, fairly obvious - dark lines around the lashes make the whites of the eyes look brighter and the eye appear more defined and thus more striking. Risky to apply on the tube but, in my case, crucial; the second most vital item in my arsenal, after foundation. Item 5, mascara - to make lashes long and lustrous, opening up the eye and adding contrast. In my opinion, pretty useless without eyeliner, but that's just me. Item 6, lipstick. This can basically go one of two ways - red, to draw attention to the mouth, or pale, to make the mouth blend in more with the rest of the face, thus making the eyes the main feature. I tend to go for the latter as I think I look a bit whorey with dark lips, but it certainly suits a lot of girls. Each to their own.

So. Those are my six basics. Not many items, and a fairly standard routine for me - but infinite combinations for each woman. Watching how someone else uses their tools - whether they've gone for a powder or a liquid foundation, matte or normal finish, and whether they apply it with a brush or their fingers, patting it or smoothing it - it's all endlessly fascinating. And just when you think it can't get any more interesting, they get out their mascara and start to apply, adopting their version of the eye-bulging, lip-stretching gurn that is so pointless given that one's eyes do not open more than one millimetre further when our mouths are gaping (I've checked). The gurn is too good to be true and my personal highlight of the whole procedure. Yesterday's was particularly gruesome - the heretofore attractive woman turning into a taut gargoyle that shocked her blond admirer, who looked relieved when she finally packed away her equipment. I remember a similar look of astonishment on an ex-boyfriend's face when he watched me transform myself a while ago. I wonder if, for boys, they'd rather not understand - too much of an insight, like learning about tampons and vaginal tears. Ah well. Too late. And even if you'd rather not have read the above, fear not - that is only scratching the surface. We haven't discussed primer, eyeshadow, bronzer, Lipcote, lip liner, lip gloss, that green stuff some people put on to counteract rosacea, eye make-up base, liquid vs. kohl eye liner and hundreds of other intricate processes that can affect us ladies, should we choose to accept it. But no matter what your level of comprehension, here is one fact you can have for free, just for paying attention: if you ever hear a girl saying she hasn't ever worn foundation, be aware that every other girl in the room wants to stab her.